You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
