Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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