I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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