we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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