I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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