I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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