Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
