apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
