is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
