On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
