I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
