I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
