My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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