ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
