rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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