I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
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