First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
