dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
