Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize