First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
