when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
