Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
operation have a gay friend backfired
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize