Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
