Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
