HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
