remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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