I wish I could punch you in the face.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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