i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
