Who wears a wallet chain?!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
