Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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