Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
