Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
