I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
