I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
