It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
