You're completely useless in the revolution.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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