Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
our cab driver is having phone sex.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
