I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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