My friends, they love my intelligence
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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