Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
