it wasn't lemon gatorade
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
