Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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