worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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