grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
you're hired as official boob wrangler
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
