he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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