The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
