Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
