probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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