So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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