Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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