so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i was born a porn star she said
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
