wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
