I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
