A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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