The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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