Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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