her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
it's like iHOP with fire
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
