I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize