Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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