thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
