maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
