yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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